I understand why editors cringe at some of the analogies writers use to describe intimate male body parts. The poor old penis finds itself being called a rod, a member, a dick, shaft, schlong, old fella, wedding tackle – all in the pursuit of making it sound sexy and masterful and alluring or, at the very least, not offensive. Pubic hair is just as difficult to deal with. For our heroines we have an infinite variety of choices, but it’s a little more tricky to make it sound manly enough for our heroes.
Yesterday’s junk mail delivery (and junk mail is religiously studied in our house…) brought a couple of new metaphors. Apparently men have a bonsai! Who knew their ‘little fella’ was keeping company with a deliberately stunted bush! But help is at hand, so to speak, and you too can achieve an ‘optical inch’ with the aid of an electric trimmer (that’s if you’re in need of an optical illusion of course) which will craft a perfect bonsai for you.
And if being likened to a deliberately pruned plant fails to put a little passion in your life then maybe you should be looking for the ‘tiger lost in the jungle!’ (That sounds a little more active to me!) If you wield the trimmer just right apparently your tiger will be standing proud on the open plain – let’s hope there’s no great hunter poised with sharpened spear looking for an easy prey 🙂
Breasts are so much easier to deal with…
Of course, the trunks can last for ever once Bonsaid … you’ve just go to learn to love the warped little shapes …
Oh wish I didn’t have a mouthful of wine when I read that comment, Bron…
He’s muttering something about English inches being totally different to Aussie inches 🙂
Hi Helene,
Apparently with Bonsai you need to cut back on the roots to keep the trunk small … is this what GW had in mind?
Happy to help with more laughter, Michelle!
I suspect the junk mail is full of unintentional humour. GW is an avid reader of the weekly flyers so he spots them long before I do!
He found one on a similar topic the other day, but I thought I’d already done manscaping to within an inch of its life *VBG*!
OMG, Helene! That just cracked me up! Lucky I followed Kylie’s advice and didn’t have a hot drink (or any kind of beverage) in hand wehn I read this, LOL. Thanks for a great giggle.
I’m with Cathryn – why don’t *I* get good stuff like this??? 🙂
Well, Jennie, Cairns is in the ‘jungle’ so perhaps it’s location specific junk mail!
Cathryn, I reckon there’s probably a post a week in our letter box:)
Helene, Well that just gave a whole new meaning to “junk” mail 😉
Oh, that is just AWESOME!
How come I never receive junk mail like that? Not fair!
Shirley, clearly your DH is a with it kind of guy then 🙂 I was baffled for the first read through the advert…
Clearly you good folk on the other side of the ditch need to spice up your junk mail! Happy to help with a laugh – there can never be too much of that!!
Kylie, that would be hysterical! Just not in the middle of my workshop, please, or I might never recover my composure 🙂
Happy to help, Carol!
Oh my.
I just asked DH if he was in danger of losing his tiger in the jungle and received a fearsome dirty look. LOL Your junk mail is obviously a lot racier than our over here in God’s Own. I really needed a laugh.
Watch out at conference – we’re all going to be shouting “Bonsai!” 😛
Great post – we all have to laugh out loud at least once a day, although with this post on my mind it might be several times over the next week!!!! 😀
Oh, thank you for the laugh – I so needed it :-)) cx
Glad to help out with a laugh, Amanda!!
OMG OMG – what I have missed… I am laughing hysterically into the silence in my house (am uncharacteristically home alone!!) and my first guffaw was so loud it freaked out both the cat and dog!! I so need a belly laugh today – and the GW actions just add the – ahhem – cherry on top!!!
I shall never throw out my junk mail again without at least glancing sideways!!
Absolutely, Juliet. There could be a whole subculture amongst the over fifties regarding judicious trimming 🙂
And ‘optical distance’ all sounds very subjective to me!
How funny! So I guess we should be wary of those DIY Bonsai courses at the local community centre… Who knows what goes on there!! I think I’ll keep my ‘optical’ distance. 😉
Oh Natalie, that’s another wonderful image for me! Thank you!
I keep wondering what the advertisement’s writer was drinking at the time he/she wrote the tag lines. I sincerely hope it was intended to be tongue in cheek 😉
We got this in the tea room of our egg grading floor – the ladies were cackling so much you’d think they’d laid their own clutch by the end of it. I’ll definitely share your hilarious blog with them!
Then I’ve achieved my aim, Jenn! I hope anyone who reads this post pays more attention to their junk mail – all sorts of humour lurking in the pages…
Oh Helene, I’m sorry but I will never be able to face you again without laughing my (how do we say arse now?) off.
Thanks, Brenda 🙂
Cathy, the salties wouldn’t be able to scale the very large, very vertical rock wall… Mind you there is a large storm water drain that would provide access from the beach…
It does indeed, Sandy 😀
Hahaha!!!
Glad to be of service, just a thought, can the Salties read those signs so they don’t munch the people in the house when they go for a swim?
LOL, Helene, I’m RLFLMAO with an image of GW acting out as you described. He’s a star!
Brings new meaning to the words ‘short back and sides’ doesn’t it?
Lol, Cathy, Bobitting it has brought tears to GW’s eyes…
And the image of Mr K??? That’s brought tears to my eyes… not a pretty thought at all…
No the throbbing member is Bob katter, Hey Helene, THAT’ss why the gates in your last post! The are afraisd of Bob Katter’s Bonsai!
You could Bobitt youself with one of those!
Thanks, Maggie, we laughed so hard yesterday when GW read it out to me (complete with gyrating hips and suggestive eyebrow wiggling) I had to write a blog about it 🙂
How hilarious! Makes a change from “throbbing member” and “love rod” LOL